I’m Gonna Be a College Kid

I hate to state the obvious, but it’s April. April! Do you know what that means? It means that I have all of two months before what is probably the most anticipated event of my life - graduation is June 6. 

To say that I am looking forward to graduation would be making a serious understatement - as if it is on the same level as the weekend or the newest flick or ice cream for dessert. No, graduation means the end of high school and marks the beginning of adulthood, so it is a huge deal. And, for me, the end of high school also means the beginning of college, which is also monumental - like having a baby or buying a house.

Yes, I have excitedly anticipated graduation and adulthood for as long as I can remember. But now, things are actually happening. This time that once seemed so far away is moving out of that nebulous place of speculation into my present, and with stunning speed. It has just hit me all of the sudden: I’m going to college! I’m going to be an adult! When did this happen? What did those twelve years of my education - of seeming toil and loneliness and endless homework - wind down to? I can almost make them out when I look back, like city lights shimmering in the distance over my shoulder, but they sort of swirl together and fade. At this point, I’m more interested in keeping my eyes on the road in front of me.

The mile markers are coming up fast now. We just passed the senior trip, which was April 7 through 11. The drama class’ performance of “All’s Well that Ends Well” will be April 25 and 26. Another event a bit farther down the road is the banquet (date to be announced). Graduation, as I mentioned, is June 6. And throughout all the extra events, we still have our regular classes and assignments to worry about. As for me, my family has to move to a new house; I’ll need a job once I get back to the States; there’s the whirlwind of visiting my grandparents, friends, aunts, uncles, cousins and other relatives when I finally arrive in Ohio — all leading up to flying to Oregon and settling in to my room at the college for the fall term that starts September 22. On top of all that, college is not my final destination. Graduation is more of a beginning than an end. When I start to consider that, my mind starts churning out a whole new list, even more confused and spastic than the first.

It is so easy to feel overwhelmed by the whirlwind that life is at times of change and transition like these. It is so easy and natural to slip into that hazy state — the one where you deliriously go over all those lists and dream — and worry about what shape the future will take.

I know I can sound pretty anxious in my excitement and curiosity about what lies ahead for me. This article really is self-indulgent, because I have been trying hard to not drive people crazy with constant chatter about college and graduation and jobs and a dress for the banquet and chapel and homework and moving and…yes…all that. Because really, who cares? Everyone has enough of their own life and stress to deal with to spend all their time listening about mine. And when it comes right down to the heart of the issue, I have enough life to live right now to not need to waste my time spinning fantasies about the future. I have real life — right now! — and, let me tell you, my “To-Do” list confirms that I have plenty of it.

At the same time, I am excited for whatever it is that the future is going to bring. I am scolding myself like an adult, since — honestly — these times and all the feelings that accompany them make me feel like a little kid again. Here I am again, chatting away with my friends about my hopes and dreams and plans. It isn’t so different from those days when we would lie in a circle on the trampoline with grass in our hair and laugh about boys and leaving home eventually and what we would name our kids. The truth is, my friends and I still talk about the same things, even if we have added some more serious or intellectual topics. I suspect that a big part of it is that we think we are more grown up. And we are — we are growing up. We are approaching adulthood, rapidly. It is simply that times like these make me feel like a silly little kid who doesn’t know any more about what’s best for her than the next kid does. For all my worry, I am still going to be a kid, only, with a job and more schoolwork and responsibility. I’m just going to be a college kid, that’s all.

In the end, there’s not much I can do about my immaturity. I mean, I can worry about it all day, but it will not be until I am experiencing adulthood, grappling with my real future (not my fantasy of it) and have a better idea of what growing up means for me that I will actually be able to do it. For now, I have much to do, much to enjoy, and not much time to waste with worrying. 

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This was an editorial piece I wrote for the the April issue of the BAICA Pulse, our school newspaper.

 

April’s Good News (No Joke)

There is so much to write about. Perhaps it’s only because I haven’t done any writing for public reading since February that I don’t know where to pick up again. In any case, a lot has been going on — thousands and thousands of words worth. I will begin with the good news, and that may be all for now.

I can’t keep track of all the good things that are happening. Let me try to make a list.

Clear College Direction
After much waiting (and altogether too much worry) I am going to Gutenberg College in Eugene, Oregon. Everything has come together and it is very clear that there is where I am supposed to be next. After Gutenberg accepted me and Wheaton put me on their waiting list, I decided that… well, I suppose my decision was made for me. And I always wanted to go to Gutenberg; I wouldn’t have applied otherwise. Not only that, but the college is also giving me a full-tuition scholarship! 

I was floored when I read the letter with the financial news. I was going to go anyway — and take a loan and work to make the rest. Obviously, this makes things so much smoother! I cannot express how grateful I am for the provision.

The fall term starts September 22.

A Much Needed Break
The week before I heard the wonderful financial news was my class’s senior trip. We went to Punta del Este in Uruguay and really had a wonderful time. 

The trip was just what I needed (probably just what we all needed) to refocus and relax. It was lovely to not have to keep track of time; I could just enjoy is as it sort of pooled and swirled on by. I sat on the beach and watched the waves roll and crash over and over, tirelessly. I could sit and think and write just about whenever I wanted to. It was wonderful.

And the company? Delightful, of course! Beautiful beaches, beautiful people. (Except the people on the beach; they all looked half-dead or all-burned. Then again, it’s not as if my pale-so-that-it’s-almost-blue skin was any easier on the eyes.)

To sum up: it was pretty much the best vacation ever.

Photos on Display
One of the women who organizes fundraisers for the school had two of my photographs printed, matted, and framed for an auction that will be held at some art fair for embassy people. Wow! I haven’t seen the prints yet, but I’ve heard they look pretty good. 

This is really funny to me because I never imagine my photos in a gallery or on display (unless you count Flickr). She even had me write a descriptive paragraph for each photograph to go on the back of the frame. It’s all been great fun for me.

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Well, there are some buenas noticias for you. There is much more I could talk about — delightful and difficult. Please pray for BAICA, as the school is going through a very stressful time right now. While we mourn with those who mourn, however, let’s also rejoice with those who rejoice. Take the good times with the hard ones. Don’t worry about anything, whether it’s simply exciting or truly exhausting. Trust in God who is your Salvation, because He is Sovereign and His will is being accomplished. 

And that is the best news of all.

Transforming Truth

One of my most beloved quotes is by Thomas à Kempis from his work The Imitation of Christ: “Many often err and accomplish little or nothing because they try to become learned rather than to live well.” As someone who has always loved knowledge and learning as much I can, I find myself to be one of those “many” who would easily become captive to a serious delusion: that the amount of information someone possesses is directly proportional to their efficacy, goodness or, even, their righteousness. However, my relationship with Christ–He as my Savior and God, I as His disciple and servant–heals that perversion completely. When I say that I am a Christian, I mean that I have surrendered and dedicated all I have to living for Jesus Christ, guided by His instruction. As a result, my approach to knowledge and education is transformed along with every other facet of my life. Christ redeemed my intellect as well as my body and spirit. Considering all of this, my thoughts turn to Paul’s exhortation in Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

Paul’s counsel to think, ponder, and meditate on that which is true resonates with me profoundly. The Scriptures profess that no truth, in fact, no thing at all, can exist independent of God. And Jesus, my Savior, the One whom I desire to know above all else, called Himself the Truth. This is the foundation of my faith. Therefore, I must view my education as a pursuit of truth, indeed, as a pursuit of Truth Himself. I cannot separate my faith in Christ from my desire to know, both about about Him and His creation; I cannot conduct my quest for truth separately from my quest to know Him fully. To do so would be foolish and irreverent; it is perverse, even impossible, to divide truth from the Truth-giver.

My greatest desire is to ever be growing more like Christ and closer to Him. I want to be transformed. I want to be what I was created to be. I know that an encounter with truth should not simply leave a person wiser–it should transform them. “Learning” should not only mean acquiring knowledge. It should mean becoming a better, fuller, and more complete person, according to God’s definition and will. There is no point in simply amassing knowledge. All this accomplishes is to turn the pursuit of truth from a yearning to know the Creator into a banal, mundane lust for facts. I do not seek Christ because I believe that I as a Christian must be “more learned” than those around me. I seek Christ because I know that I am in need of salvation and transformation. I do not take my education seriously because I feel that I need an intellectual exercise. I take my education seriously because Truth is the prized pinnacle of all my efforts in my studies; it–He–is that summit that I strive for, though I know it will take me all my life, completely surrendered, to arrive.

I must study with Christ, the living Truth, as my goal. Through Him, guided by His Spirit, I can explore this world He has made; I can wrestle with doubts and difficulties; I can touch, taste, see, think, and comprehend; I can learn in the fullest sense of the word. I know that I was created to experience, to question, to experiment and wonder. God is my Guide. The Truth is my Way and Life. Though it take me a lifetime, I will see His face. I will know the Truth, fully. I will be set free. And I will be utterly transformed.

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This was one of the essays I had to write for college, answering the question “What role do you think Christianity plays in how we learn and what we learn?” It very may have been the most involved thing I have ever written, simply because I had to think very seriously and deeply about the topic. At the same time, I don’t think there are many other things I’ve written that have been so focused, sincere–saying precisely what I mean to. I’d like to thank Mr. Johnson for giving me the advice and criticism I needed to focus my writing. And I praise God for His faithfulness in revealing Himself to those who seek Him.

UPDATE: You can find the Spanish translation for this essay, by yours truly with help from my Spanish-speaking relatives, here: “La Verdad Transformante”.

The Way Things Are

I have not been truly astonished by one of life’s happenings–whether catastrophe or otherwise–in a very long time.  In fact, I can’t remember the last time I was.  It was that long ago, I suppose.

I am not surprised that I have three entries (and the number is rising) to write.  That means three major lessons God has seen fit to teach me since the last entry.  The drafts folder is getting quite thick.  There were probaby more than that, but I’m afraid that I am not always the most willing student.

Therefore, it really shouldn’t shock anyone that I am writing this instead of doing my homework and getting done what I really need to.  Goodness, I suppose I could really be effective if I wasn’t so easily distracted!

My hope for this little entry (and the time I’ve spent in reflection to write it) will serve to help focus the next batch of posts, the rest of my evening I must spend working, and this upcoming week of my life.   There are many important issues: change, affection, loss, art, redemption, sensuality, trust, cynicism, education, friendship, and as always, love.  But for now, I really need to complete some tasks.  Even though I find them mundane and would much rather sit here and write in Friendship, I am too divided to do that until I take care of the now-pressing demands.

Adieu for now.

How Life is Like a Peanut Butter Sandwich

Well, to be truthful, it’s not so much like a peanut butter sandwich… unless you count that they’re both enjoyable but sometimes hard to swallow. (This is all assuming, of course, that you like peanut butter.)

Yes, this is a silly way to start an entry. (Gotta love that title though, ey?) It is slightly relevant; teachers and other friends are coming back from the States, since school is getting ready to start again, and some have brought us real, American, Jif peanut butter! Now, you really cannot appreciate this unless you, first of all, have eaten Jif or some other United States brand peanut butter and, secondly, have been living in a country where it just isn’t found. Argentina simply doesn’t produce good peanut butter. They’ve got their dulce de leche, which is pretty much to Argentines what peanut butter is to Americans. Sure, you can find this Mediterranean peanut paste… but it’s just… not… the same.

So, yes, I now relish my one-slice, folded-over, peanut butter and toast sandwich. I’ll skip on the jelly, thanks. That peanut butter is just too good.

Alright, I’ll stop my rave about peanut butter. Unless you can relate to my situation (in which case your mouth is probably watering as memories of creamy peanuty goodness and toast warm your heart) I probably sound like a nut. (Please pardon the pun.)

It’s just that–oh, how can I explain it? Life has just been so… good lately.

I was in tears the other night, feeling completely overwhelmed, as far as I could tell, over college applications and decisions, this coming semester, having to leave my family, etc… I sat there, feeling choked with words and emotion, until my mother sat down with me and asked what the matter was. There was a pause from me, and then the tears and the words just flowed, straight from my heart. I didn’t even check what was coming out of my mouth. The words just tumbled out, “Mom, I… I’m just so happy.” And by that time, I was bawling.

I feel, as my mom put it, as though I am on the brink of something. Life has been rough these past couple months. As I stated before, God is teaching me and growing me and it just plain hurts sometimes! And I’m sure my life is not going to get any easier. Actually, I’ve been reading Acts and hearing about many tragedies lately; my life is quite cushy in comparison.

How can I express it though? I do have my own hardships and these moments of being totally overwhelmed. In the end, however, they’re joyous! It all comes back to God being God and His love and grace being all that I need. I sat there, tears streaming down my face, feeling oh-so-pitiful and oh-so-unworthy… but oh-so-loved! Look at all the marvelous things that God is doing in my life, in my friends’ lives, and in the lives of my family members! If I am overwhelmed by life, I am even more overwhelmed by His goodness, faithfulness, and never-ending love. His love makes all else, not only bearable, but the source of the deepest joy.

Life–so enjoyable and, though it can be hard to swallow, it still continues to be enjoyable. But only because of Jesus.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

“Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing,” words by Robert Robinson, 1758

Impractical Love

It would take writing a book for a lifetime for me to be able to express (and discover!) everything I think about love. Even then, I would only have part of the picture. Perhaps these posts I’ve written on the topic are like puzzle pieces, and one day I’ll have the grace to put them all together. So, here’s to another bit of the whole.

I hope these are growing pains.

I like to think of myself as in a state of constant growth, with God always picking me up and teaching me as I fall and fail. Like a rough stone being turned over and over in a mighty lake, or a hunk of ore held in the center of the flames, I feel the crush and the heat of being refined. Yes, I hope these are growing pains. I hope the fact that I look back on conceptions I had and think myself mistaken is proof of growth and not unsteadiness. (I sincerely suspect that this is the case, but only because He is the foundation that I stand firm on, not because of any unique part of me, myself.)

I will never stop learning about love. I will never stop seeing how incomplete my conception of it is. Here is the example of the hour: refining my idea of proper caution and prudence in relationships.

It’s simply a fact of life that any time you are transparent with any person, you are making yourself vulnerable to them, opening yourself up to hurt and disappointment. There are varying degrees of this. If your friends in school ever blabbed something that you asked them to keep secret, it hurt! But not the same level of hurt as if you were to find out that your spouse is being unfaithful to you. The deeper the level of trust and commitment, the more painful and destructive a betrayal is. I think that’s sort of obvious.

So, people are essentially left with two choices. Either they love and give of themselves freely or shut their feelings and themselves into a fortress or armor of distrust and wariness. Okay, there must be three choices. Most people I know are trying to find the perfect balance between the two so that they are neither so naive that anyone can trample over them as they please, but neither so guarded that they are cold and lonely. But the question remains to be answered: where is that balance? How free is “too free?” How cautious is “too cautious?”

If you’re like me, pinpointing that supposedly perfect state hasn’t happened yet. Living and loving is never-ending run of trial-and-error as we try to find the most practical and painless way to relate to the people around us. All we can say is, “Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone just followed the Golden Rule? Then we wouldn’t have to worry about the problem of pain.”

Ouch! Did I hit the issue on the head?

Giving freely of oneself. Loving selflessly. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Stop and rewind. That all sounds an awful lot like Jesus.

Who gave of Himself freely for us, though we scorned and rejected Him? Whose love is unfailing and never-ending? Who let people spit in His face and nail him to a cross?

Who asks us to love as He loves so that people will know we are His disciples?

Jesus.

I look at His perspective. And then I look at mine. I call myself His disciple; there is supposed to be congruence between how He loves and how I do. Lord, forgive me–I see a chasm of difference.

I am supposed to be loving all people, regardless of whether or not they love me back. I am supposed to be completely selfless, not loving for how it affects or could potentially affect me. I am supposed to love as though pain does not exist.

Yes, because if I believe that Jesus is who He says He is, He suffered more pain for love than I will ever have to. He suffered the pain of humanity. My burden is very small indeed.

And here comes the wonder of it: I cannot love like this without Him! This love flows from a transformed heart–one that has been broken and renewed in Christ. He gives me all the love I need. My burden–what burden do I have that He has not lifted and does not carry for me?

I really believe this carries over into the issue of how closely to guard your heart… somehow.  At times, I wonder if being so close to certain people would be wise. Practically speaking–considering my life direction and matching the level of intimacy with the pain that separation will cause–no, it’s not the smart choice. But what am I doing? Running a business? I’m not going to live in constant caution because I might get hurt. Pain is a part of life. An uncomfortable part, I know. But love makes life worth living. Especially God’s love, which He gives so freely–to me and through me.  Maybe I will get hurt loving like that, but God never promised me a happy, cushy life where everyone loves me back!  Maybe it will hurt to remember the time spent, but my time is not my own, and neither is this love.

It’s confusing to know what that looks like, especially for romantic relationships. I sit here, a bit confused myself, because it seems at first that romantic love is a totally different sort of love from God’s. I feel quite strongly, however, that there should not be a grand difference between what we call “human love” and what we call “God’s love” because as soon as we as Christians begin defining terms, “loving people” should mean loving them as Christ does.  All these seemingly different loves flow from the same source: God, who is perfect in love.

I know that I should be giving freely of my time and energies in all my relationships, not exclusively.  I should not be weighing and measuring how much kindness I give!  As if it was even mine that I could give it in the first place!   And that will not change even if I do have an exclusive, romantic relationship.  It may look like a more special, different love, but for me, His child, it still comes from Christ.

I want to continue, but I don’t think I can right now.  When I start saying the same thing, but in different ways, over and over again, I think it’s time to stop.  I expect I’ll have more to say sometime in the future.  Don’t look at my feeble ideas about love; look at what Jesus said and did and does.  That’s love!

Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

                                                                                 –John 13: 3-5, 34

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

                                                                                 –Ephesians 5:1-2

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

                                                                                    –1 John 4:7-12 

(All Scripture passages from the New International Version.)

So Much To Say

I have to come to terms with this feeling of inadequacy.

I read over my post where I attempted to clarify my stance on dating and all that for the umpteenth time. It so reflects what I was feeling right then: like cutting down anyone who would dare to misunderstand me. Some parts are as harsh as a slap in the face and, honestly, I’m repulsed by it. All I can say is, “I’m sorry.” That’s not what my heart is and I wish I could show what it truly is. But I fail.

It might seem from what I wrote that my heart was in the right place. I said that I wasn’t trying to be self-righteous. But at the same time, I came across as the very opposite.

When will this cycle collapse on itself? I desire so deeply to show God’s love and express how merciful and gracious He has been to me, to all. But I find that I am so broken and inadequate and completely unable to do that.

ON MY OWN.

Why did and do I struggle against my own inadequacy? Did I never realize that that’s just how things are? My feelings of inadequacy and imperfection are there because they’re true. I am human–offensive, sinful, broken–and God is God–loving, holy, perfect in love and goodness. Neither of those facts are going to change, no matter how old or wise I think I get.

I confused drawing nearer to God and becoming conformed to His image as becoming more self-sufficient and independent. What a mistake! Of course, I never thought that that was my attitude. But look at my actions. Look at the fruit of my spirit. It wasn’t love, joy, peace, or patience. It especially wasn’t kindness, goodness, gentleness, or self-control.

I could go on like this for pages and pages until whole books were filled. I could say it over and over until my breath was spent.

Yes, I am insufficient on my own. But, wow! God is so great and full of grace. So it’s okay that this post is imperfect, that I’m imperfect. Because, really, all my feelings–all this chatter–comes down to that one immovable truth.

I am human. But, praise His Name forever! God is God.

And He has accepted me and forgiven me for all my imperfections and, one day, He will take me into glory. And He will take as many as will accept this and seek Him. How great is our God! How perfect in love and grace! May I always cry, “Your grace is sufficient for me!”

When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

                                                –Psalm 73:21-28

How Deep the Father’s Love for Us

My wits were fanned fresh with wonder the other day, as they usually will be if I stop to meditate on God’s love, mercy, and grace manifest in Jesus and His sacrifice. 

How fragile the human body!  (And yet, strong.)

How inadequate our language and actions sometimes are in expressing the depths of our souls’ passion!  (And yet, God saw fit to express His love for us by becoming flesh like us.)

How incapable we are; how broken!  (And yet, He would stoop down and clean us up and raise us up to glory.)

How much God loves us!  How much He loved the world!  To take on our ailments, our human afflictions.  We are unworthy…

But He has made us of great value. 

How deep the Father’s love for us–
How vast beyond all measure. 
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.

–Stuart Townend

Who can understand it?

Thinking Outside the Bubble

Every once in a while, I feel a need to clarify some of the ideas I’ve had and presented here, even if it means saying what I’ve already said. I recently received a comment on my post “My Thoughts on Guys and How I Treat Them” that confirmed this.

The comment (you can read it for yourself if you like, but I’ll sum it up) basically advised me to just date a guy if I was interested in him and not make such a big deal about it. His concern was that if I didn’t involve myself romantically with guys before choosing to marry one, I’d end up with the first guy who says he loves me… and that he’d probably be a no-good liar.

I love it when people are honest, even when they disagree with me. The comment-leaver, Matthew, was blunt and to-the-point and I definitely appreciate that. What he had to say gave me food for thought: why have I chosen to do relationships the way that I do?

Maybe I didn’t make this clear enough. If I have decided not to date, it’s not because I think dating is “evil” or wrong in all circumstances or not a good thing, ever. I didn’t reject dating on a seven-point, “it doesn’t work” basis. I think that each person needs to decide how they are going to relate to other people, not just the opposite sex. I prayed and read and debated this issue, wrestling with it for a long time. It’s when I turned my thoughts and desires over to God and said, “Lord, I don’t really know how I should handle this. I’ve got people from both sides of the spectrum telling me what to do… but what do You have to say about it?”

(You’ll have to forgive me that this post is not elegantly written. Figuring out where you stand usually isn’t elegant, and this is how things came about for me.)

So, where do we go when we want to know what God thinks about something? Right, the Bible. (Good answer!)

“Wait,” you say, “the Bible doesn’t talk about dating.” Exactly. But it does tell us, in many passages, how we are supposed to relate to other people. Dating and romance definitely fall into that, wouldn’t you say so?

This is what I read:

…the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.^‘ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Could I have asked for a clearer answer to the legalism–to the conflicting opinions that went whirling through my mind about this sticky issue? Here, straight from the Master’s mouth, silencing the Sadducees and Pharisees–he simply says “Love.” This is the greatest commandment.

That is why I somewhat resent being thought of as trapped in my “fundamentalist Christian bubble”. This decision was not about me trying to be the perfect Christian girl who thinks that denying herself pleasure now will reap her an amazing reward later.  The girl who thinks she has to live by the book or not at all.  No, no, NO! I wish people would see that this isn’t about me. And it’s not solely about having a great marriage. I want to, of course. It’s definitely a “perk.” But I’m not living for the perks.

(For the sake of clarity, I’m going to continue on this note.)

My greatest desire is to fulfill the greatest commandment. I want to love God and love the people around me as much as God enables me too. His love is perfect, and I want everything I am, exemplified in everything I do, to show that. The question I was faced with after considering the right way to relate to guys–to love guys–after reading Jesus’s words was this: is dating loving? I just can’t see, for me, right now, that it is.

First of all, I don’t think that it’s fair or right of me to ask for a man’s exclusive, romantic attention if I have no intention of returning that. I can’t get married now; I haven’t gotten the “go ahead” from God that it’s the proper time yet. So is it right of me act as if I can anyway–to act “available” when I’m not?  Will I get love by doing that (let alone be loving in that)?

I don’t think so. Rather, won’t I be turning the men around me into fools, playing the part of a seductress, manipulating, breaking hearts? I fail to see how that is loving! I fail to see how that will help me “find true love.”

Now, please, please, don’t mistake my meaning. I think dating can be a good thing if you are at the stage in life where marriage is a possibility. But I’m not. So for now, I will not date a guy just because I’m interested. If I like him, I’ll be his friend. For now, that is enough.

There are more issues that people have raised in the comments that I really do want to talk about.  For now, this will have to suffice.  I would love to hear your thoughts on this.  I will try to answer any questions you have for me.  I leave things out all the time, so let me know if there’s something you think I should have said.

Why You Mess Up When It’s All About You (a post which could be otherwise entitled “How I Was Wrong”)

I have a way of messing things up.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Too bad that it always comes after you’ve gone and made a fool of yourself.

Life is messy. I was foolish to think that I could (or should even want to) lay everything out in a neat little row, say “This is how things are,” and otherwise act like I had things figured out.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you started out thinking that you were doing something right, but as they began to talk, realized how wrong you were and how much… better they were? Not better than someone else or better because of you or anything like that. You see that they are just so good. And you see how you are just so not.

I was wrong. I said one thing and did another. I said, “Lord, be the center of my life; my times are Yours.” And at the same time, I stepped out of place and did what I wished. The paradox is that in trying to take control, I lost it; in trying to make things “right,” I did what was wrong. I step back and ask myself, “How did that happen?”

Perhaps my motives were right, but it doesn’t matter how correct I thought I was. In reality, I was wrong. Did I need to know I was wrong? Would I have needed to know if I was right? What if I could have just obeyed–just kept my mouth shut and kept minding my own business?

Now I know. But I didn’t have to. It would have been okay. I wish I could have seen that, but I didn’t. I missed the main issue.

I am still learning. I thank God that He is so patient with me. I thank God that He is so loving. The fact that other people are able to express that patience, love, and understanding… It blows my mind and makes me feel so inadequate.

God was trying to teach me something; I hope He has finally gotten it into my head: I don’t need to know anything except that I can rest completely in the fact that He knows everything and has it under control. I am inadequate and ungraceful and a whole list of other, worse, things. I will always fail. But, wonder of wonders, that’s okay! God is in control and He is working, even if I feel that everything is falling apart. He’s holding it together. He is God, and I am not. It’s when I take things into my own hands that everything gets messy.

Why?

Well, because it was never about me in the first place.